Solitude in a treble clef

Alone
Alone
The key
The soil
And me
All alone
Only one key

The others
The families
Friends of mine
The clubs

Nothing to do
Come on, I’m doing the right thing.
Without the heart
The shopping
Alone in the middle of others
Cooking
What’s the point if it’s only for me
The house cleaning
This makes you terribly lonely.
No mess
I’ve already tidied up fifteen times.
No more TV
I know all the programs
Reading
It’s hard to concentrate
And no one to tell what I liked about it
And museums, when you have nothing to say
The silence
It’s boring.
I survive

I prepare everything
For when there will be people
My tidy apartment is depressing me
I can’t blame anyone.
I am alone
I’m the one who made it sparkle
I control everything.
The treble clef is there, but there’s nothing on the range.

On the ground
Rolls my xylophone
I play alone
Festive tunes
And once a week
I see my teacher
He invites me to participate in a small orchestra
Two hours a week
I am no longer alone
But I still have my head in the handlebars
I listen to them with a distracted ear
And made me be taken over by the conductor

In the evening, there are many activities
Chess club, theatre or bistro
But not the restaurant, all alone, it’s pathetic.
On the other hand, during the day, there is no one there
And no activities
Nothing to do
Only things
Alone
If I stayed under the duvet
At least I’ll have some physical contact
That envelops me

Fortunately, I have Sol
My little dog I’m walking
I’m glad to see him so alive.
Taking advantage of every moment
Living life to the fullest
He meets other dogs
And I have other masters
We exchange some trivial things.

But why am I alone?
Because Hollywood and TV
Sell us love relationships
To consume and then to throw away?
Because I’m too afraid to commit?
Because I’m looking for a relationship that’s too perfect?
Because I accept relationships that are too bad?
Because I’m sick and no one wants a sick person?
I have no one to talk to about it.
I am alone
All these questions are swirling in my head
Dialogue monologues
Spinning like horses on a merry-go-round
Together and alone at the same time
Identical but with differences

In any case, loneliness
It’s good for consumption
One accommodation per person
A corkscrew
A nutcracker
A colander
One bed
A car
One buffet per person
One object per person
Even the heart becomes something:
A simple stone

Why did I leave them?
Why did I let them go?
Some are happier alone
But it is not my case
Will anyone be able to love me?
Can I let someone in
Even a little bit?
Will I be able to keep this one?
Sometimes I don’t dare say what I think to my friends
I have a bright smile on my face
And I adopt their ideas to make sure
To meet them again
One hour here and there
Half an hour another time.

In a family we share
Solidarity

I want to share
These goods to be consumed and disposed of
But I don’t want to
Doing this with the people I love.
I want a family
Even if it doesn’t match the clichés
Friends, roommates, open relationships, arranged marriages, shared interests
It doesn’t matter!

I want a real family
That is, people to hold on to
And that I can support
And above all
Being together
Laughing
Fighting
Seeking solutions
Debating
Shouting
Grumbling
To be reconciled
Cuddling up
Enjoying ourselves
And especially never to separate

Can I do that?
Am I going to have to try again
And screw me up like the other times….
Survival is not for me.

Maybe it’s like music.
To make it beautiful,
One must absorbe in it entirety
Let it live
Be part of the instrument
Give pleasure to other people
Expressing emotions
And make them, all beautiful,
Even the darkest ones
Repetition is formative
Advice must be felt
Then one has to make his own
To emancipate oneself from oneself
Take another form
To be more open to others
Playing badly at the beginning
Break the ears of your four walls
Then by dint of training
It’s getting good.

I want to be able to share this joy that I don’t have yet
And not being able to do without the ones I haven’t found yet.
I want to live.
I won’t let it go.
I’ll find my fairy tale
I’ll be a beginner.
Always a beginner

Aurianne Or

‪Thunderstruck for Percussion Ensemble Alumnado PercuFest 2014 dirigido por Rafa Navarro: https://youtu.be/SYSxOj6W7IQ


Sapolsky on depression – Stanford university: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/174143784840/stanfords-sapolsky-on-depression-in-us-full

Do help Mrs Dalloway: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/169114695450/do-help-mrs-dalloway-mrs-dalloway-virginia?is_related_post=1

Scared: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/158921847771/scared

J’ai dix ans et je sais que je suis différent: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/159005802757/jai-dix-ans-et-je-sais-que-je-suis-différent

J’ai trouvé ma place: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/172236407055/jai-trouvé-ma-place

Gris: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/181456424070/gris-education-à-ce-quest-la-dépression-pour-une

Tu peux ouvrir les yeux maintenant: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/158351101260/tu-peux-ouvrir-les-yeux-maintenant-ce?is_related_post=1

Change the words “HIV” and “AIDS” by “Mental illness” and see how you feel about it: https://aurianneor.tumblr.com/post/171419628695/change-the-words-hiv-and-aids-by-mental?is_related_post=1