Once upon a time, there was a blue mermaid. She had awfully big breast that surprised everybody and hypnotised sailors. They were attracted to her, put their heads in her breast and then they would die from asphyxia. This made the mermaid very sad because she couldn’t marry them or even know them as all this happened so quickly each time. But she also had a very large butt and tail and she was very proud of them as she knew men liked that.
One day, another mermaid came by. She had a lot of hair, shining in the ocean and looking as if they had been made by silkworms. Her secret potion for that hair was the use of eggs and vinegar and seaweed she had carefully selected throughout the years. Her hair was her best painting, as she used to say. It was the thing she liked looking at best and she spent a lot of time selecting products for better results. The colour changed each time. It was ephemeral beauty. She was very thin and she spent her days looking at her hips which looked so perfect. She thought she was the most beautiful mermaid around.
The blue mermaid told her she was too skinny, one could see her bones, especially her hips. “You should eat more”, she told her. She replied she loved herself that way and it was the best way to attract men. The blue mermaid laughed! “What! They love big breaths and big bottoms; so, you’d better eat more”. She repeated the same idea over and over again with different words.
A plesiosaur came by. He asked why she was so insistent.
The blue mermaid replied, “Mr. Dinosaur, I am not insistent. I just want to explain to the skinny mermaid what is good for her until she understands it.”
“I’m not a dinosaur, he reacted to this ignorant mermaid. I’m a marine reptile.” But both mermaids were not listening. The plesiosaur understood that the blue mermaid would endlessly talk while the other mermaid would constantly try to have her say. He concluded he would better wait a little, hoping the blue mermaid would calm down.
“I have the best body. Men love me. So many came here and have been attracted to me. It’s like your hair, see. Men like fussy hair, like mine. I cut it short so it looks like a bush going in all directions and I brush it with a fork for that purpose. That’s the best way to have bushy hair. That way, it looks like straw, and men love strawberries.”
No wonder strawberries would grow in her hair. It was so dirty, earth had started to stay on it.
“Why don’t you raise silkworms? That’s how I get such a shiny, soft, clean and sweet hair. And put some clay on your face to have a stunning skin complexion. Men love that. I mean if you want a man who will marry me and stay with you. You don’t manage to do that, do you?”
The blue mermaid came into a rage.
“How dare you speak to me like that! I can marry whenever I want. It’s just that I’d rather
be alone that be with one I do not like…
– Don’t tell me that you’ve never met Mr. Right while you are so successful and have such a great body!”, she said with duly noted irony.
Bing, Bam, Boom!
With a great stroke from his long tail and endlessly long neck, the Loch-ness-monster-looking plesiosaur put an end to this argument.
“I’ve got the greatest body as I can use it to shut you up. And that’s exactly what I need right now. My body is comfortable, and useful and I can do everything I want with it. Now, as you want a beauty contest; let’s vote. Who’s got the most perfect body?”
Everybody agreed he had, as, obviously, he was the strongest.
But fortunately, he was also the wisest.